User blog comment:RainEStar/Introductions Are in Order/@comment-25077685-20160405161334/@comment-27589621-20160410010113

Nitpick time!

" A voice had been made to  snap  the boy 's mind from the alluring screen. . "

Active voice is usually the way to go. "A voice snapped the boy's attention away from the alluring screen" or something like that.

"'' "Excuse me. But, could you pay attention to the fight, please?" ''"

I think it would flow better if it was just one combined sentance. It could be turned into two, but right now the But is being a bit awkward.

" Suddenly getting back to his own senses, feeling the card shop's atmosphere around him once more. "

"He/The boy suddenly got back (rest of it)" Since we want to keep the subject explicit.

" "I- I'm sorry..." , he said, shyly. "

No need for the commas this time.

"'' "It's okay. Let's continue our fight." , the man, who was sitting on the opposite side, replied.   "With a boost from Snogal, Starlight Violinist attacks your vanguard." ''"

After the quotation marks, no comma is needed. Also, I believe the "opposite side" is refering to a table, but since you didn't say it was a table, it's a bit confusing.

" "I- I guard!" , nervously,  the boy  placed a card on the guardian circle. "

After the quotation marks, no comma, and you can start a new sentance.

" "Gablade attacks your vanguard!" , the man declared his next attack without a hesitation. "

For varied sentance structure, you could put " he man declared his next attack without a hesitation " as a stand alone sentance, and then have the dialogue right after.

" The boy  took a moment to look at his hand. He took his time to move thoughtfully.  *If I guarded this, and he pulled a trigger, his standing rear-guard would make it through...* "

The second sentence is awkward since he's making a move, but not literally moving. It may not even be needed since his thoughts tell us he's planning his next move. Speaking of which, using astericks as thoughtbubbles is really unusual. Granted, there's no grammatically correct way to do thoughts, but most people use 'this' or this or this. Doesn't mean you have to change it though.

" "No guard."  ,  the boy  confirmed his decision to the opponent. "

You could just say "the boy confirmed", or just leave the dialogue with no additional text. The meaning will still be clear.

" The man then rested his hand on the deck.   "Triple Drive." , he revealed the top cards of the deck.  '' "I get a  critical trigger ! Alright, that's the game!" ''"

No "then" needed. After the first bit of dialogue, new sentance without a need for the comma. And most people say "that's game!" instead of "that's the game!" but since it's dialogue, you're free to take liberties.

Wow... that was... a lot...

Sorry, I sometimes edit fanfictions for other friends, so I have tendancy to go in deep in depth. Your format does have some issues, but they're easy fixes and quite consistent, so no major trouble there.

Yeah, I think that's all I have to say. Well, I could go ranting, but I believe I've done enough of tearing a couple of lines apart.